12th Step in This Needle and Haystack Life

As new year approaches, it's time for shoving off another cover time made me wear. It's time to move on and take the 12th step of this millennium. And here I am sitting on 30th day of my favourite month contemplating whether to look back on the past or to hold my head high and move on. Let's see.

I started this blog.

I discovered myself deeper than ever.

I flunked more than once.

I banged my head with a pole in madness.

I learnt to love and hate at the same time.

I understood what being restless is.

I came to know what rhyming means and what it ensues.

I cried more than I ever did.

I made most irreversible mistakes and hurt most people around me without realization. I was bad-est. I hated myself then. I looked for redemption when this blog joined me. I ranted and here I am!

I  learnt to rise up after falling in my own dug pit.

I created my own new weapon called hope and faith.

I entered a new family where I am me and they are they. A place which is unique and special in its own. One of those turns your life takes with pride!

I made my own song which I'm gonna rant with full force whenever life turns it's dark face. <Hell Yeah!>

I realized, I am once in a Lifetime in this Needle and Haystack Life. I am special for me and I'll always be there for me no matter how much anyone hurts me and rips my heart off.

And now I'm writing this selfish post containing just me and my 'I's' with an aim of self introspection. Yeah, I'm restless looking for a sweet ocean of peace and a ball of fire. New Year'll bring all that I desire, all that I wish for, all that for which I'm waiting, anticipating.

It's difficult not to look back and just look straight up forward 'cause past is what you were, what you learnt and what chances you had. It's everything which once was your present. And more often, it's easier to dig out the happenings which pricked your heart with strain than those in which you enjoyed and skipped a beat.

I shut this inept musing with a sequence I want you to answer:
*Year's coming to an end
Q: How much of your life did you spend?
*New Year's about to start
Q: How much of your life will you fill with a new art?

A very Happy New Year! May this year bring loads of happy memories and I have faith with this close feeling that all of us will burn out bright. Say Cheeeers! Yeaaah!

For A Moment and Once In a LifeTime..

As I sit by the window and look up with my head held up high, I remember the time when I scurried through my Life in a series of thoughts. It was a dream in which I foresaw Me and a realization deep underneath my conscience. It was a dream which'll probably come to you for a moment and once in a lifetime..

I'm 15 for a moment; caught in between 10 - 20 and I'm searching for a bright fire inside me which'll take me rushing through these heavy years. I look at the semi-half man inside the mirror. My new hairstyle looks cool and I walk away with the covering of corroborated hormonal change. There's time to push the future out of my abundant mind and straight into my newly wet hands. Rush of hormones spears and the man inside sprouts with a revelation of emotions as this moment passes with ease.

I'm 22 for a moment; caught in between my agile books and my wobbling future. With a submerged countenance I take guard of homely activities which circle around the new responsible and adult me. I steal a minute to give her a call. She feels better than ever and we're on fire. There's time to love and there's time to make this story last long in this robust heart. We make out and we make love. It's coming out clear on my feelings as a choice is made for my future too. I enter a new phase, a new world.

I'm 35 for a moment; with a little one by my side crying to the highest. I realize I'm on the other side of the path on which once I began. Everything inside me looks big and I always want to do the right thing. Fights seem less important as survival becomes my priority. I thrive for my little one and get all drizzling as she passes a beautiful smile. I feel blessed and hold my countenance as I chase the years of my life. I'm watching her favourite cartoon, there's a shower of reminiscence but I choose to be dry.

I'm 58 for a moment; with a broken expression and a slow heart, I open the door as my big cute doll comes in with a completely opposite expression of happiness. It makes me happy too and I smile to her mother who smiles back with comfort. It often feels cold when it's just spring. I can't help, I'm an old man now. With a cup of hot green tea, I sit down to read newspaper and without caring about the date, I read, "Everyone dies. Everybody loves and fights. Nothing is sound and Nothing is light". I realize time's passing like a blink of an eye and we're moving on.

I'm 75 for a moment; with my grandchild wetting the surface, I sigh and bend down with difficulty to clean. My doll's has a doll herself now. It feels great to have a large happy family! But my wife's sick and she says she must go. I try to take my mind off the fact that my child does not need me anymore. She's grown-up and she's gone. I hold Maria's hand and start the talk of our old memories. The old times, we realize, were so different and peaceful. I notice my shabby little home and turn on the heater.

I'm 92 for a moment; as the sky feels heavier and the world is beginning to fade away. I feel glad and proud that my daughter and her children are beside me, wishing for me. My bed is surrounded by kaleidoscopic medicines and injections. My skin feels wrinkled and dead, so it's easier for the needle to suck the blood. It hardly pains. I fear going outside for I may have an attack of complete change. My granddaughter reads to me, "The Little Mermaid". I sleep in between and the little one runs to her mom leaving me dreaming about my past life.

I'm 100 just for a moment; and I look back at the road I've painted. As I see my shining successors dancing over the road, I feel satisfied and gravity deep beneath. It feels time is closing on and the mighty is about to close my book. Just then I center all my energy and rise to sing a 7 liner song to my children. It's a dying man's creation and must not rhyme. It goes:

15, I am the choice waiting to egress.
22, I am moon with paramount light.
35, I am the rain drop falling down.
58, I am the world you left behind.
75, I am the sea with a moonless night.
92, I am the tear waiting to slide down.
100, I am an old mountain anticipating what I was made for. With all of my heart beats, my skin moves with an impediment of nerves and I'm closing down.

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Sun shines bright on my dark eyes and I suddenly realized that this is my  morning and that was a passed stormy day. That was a night when a dream dropped by, epitomizing this journey in pry.  It taught me that this is my life and today's all I've got now. I stretched my lips wider than I ever did and got up crooning, "Hello Good Morning, How ya do? What makes your rising sun so new?"

PS - This is my dream. I know I have missed many things in every age but that's how my Life was! Insecure and incomplete.  

The Red Lip Eaten

I sit behind; behind the long wall of my thoughts and feelings to measure its robustness. Translucent as it's character I see, my pumping motor wishes to flee. It pains when not a visitor drops by to see through this plain transparent layer of abandoned structure. What if this was opaque, dull and dilapidated? Oh, someone must have peed.

Red Lip's Eaten. (Noticed the picture?)

Because I want more than just okay

More than just okay!

And I give it up, give it up back to Life

Because I want more than just fine

More than just fine!

Dreams feel closer.

Because I decide to run faster than myself

Faster than myself!

And I believe in the sun, in the small round sun

Because it's slow and brightly rising

Brightly rising!

Eyes go lighter and brighter.

Because I decide to look beyond those boundaries

Beyond those boundaries!

And I have hope in the power of madness

Because it's gonna be my inner criticism

My inner criticism!

Colours go dry.

Because I decide to paint it all over again

Paint it all over again!

And I'll ride on the choices by the strong man in me 

Because now I wish to thrive, not just survive.

Yeah! Thrive. Not just survive. 

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Everything else inside speaks more than you've heard

More than empty conversations, filled with empty words

With so much to touch and feel, so much to openly reveal

I'm standing on the edge of me and I'm on Fire. It's a mystery.

But Red Lip's Eaten.

Because I want more than just okay

More than just okay!

And I give it up, give it up back to Life

Because I want more than just fine

More than just fine!

For Everyday a choice is made. And I choose faith. 

With this small pandemonium, I wish Sentimientos Merry-Merry Christmas. There are little things inside but sometimes there's nowhere to confide. Always be there by my side.

AfterLife@Madness

Feelings, they push words
Sometimes, these words hit worse than swords
Feelings, they push emotions
Sometimes, these emotions make revelations
#Yeah! These feelings push emotions in words.

It's often necessary to give yourself a new start and get back to that straight path you once began with. When your heart starts caving, blue skies turns pale and feelings turn dark in pain, you gotta sing without care. You gotta enter your AfterLife.

[Pick up the golden strings and start.]

I decide. To feel my lungs again.
I decide. To open my eyes in rain.
I decide. To scratch away disdain.
I decide to fight that war with my main.

I won't. Turn back.
I won't. Show what I lack.
I won't. Melt my rack.
I won't let that ruddy fire burn my crack.

I am. The war inside.
I am. The rising tide.
I am. The step of pride.
I am who lived when 'me' died.

I can't. Just shut it up.
I can't. Let it remain stuck.
I can't. Wear the cover of muck.
I can't let this world chase my luck.

You can. Count me out.
You can. See me running up against the crowd.
You can. Hate me till I begin to sprout.
You can do whatever to begin that bout.

I'm riding on my dark horses.
Hope makes blood change courses.
Far far away from circular torses.
I died. To come alive with new choices.

I'm ready now and waiting for the AfterLife.
[Lick your fingers and smash that string thing on the side wall. Leave.]

Life Is?

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Life's the hardest road to cover
If you find any lover
May love's what you discover
Else life'll be even harder to cover
Irate will obscurely hover
Seeing your lover recover
You'll get soulless rollover.

^ Life's a bitch when love turns the wrong way and your heart's still pumping. But there's still time to lose yourself and make a new start because Life's just a piece of art. You gotta make it colourful!

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Life's where I belong
No one can prove me wrong
Brave cold dreams come along
Regrets are standing too long
Yeah, I'll get there if you sing with me;this song!

^ Life's a long unwashed, unpaved and hazy tunnel. Make positivity your light, let yourself fight and let the fire ignite.

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Life's never what you want
Sometimes even dreams haunt
This is not an indirect taunt
Just a straightforward vaunt
Think before making someone daunt.

^ Life's filled with haunting, daunting and taunting people. Make smile your expression, give a smack to depression and kick away regression.

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Life's hell when no one's beating down your door
You get high and dive on cold floor
What you're gonna do when life don't feel like before
Closing time crushes the naive soul some more
There's no one to adore; no one to get your core.

^ Life's a full stop when you feel the why's and how's jumping over your small impatient head. Just calm yourself, and remember, Every new beginning has to have a prior end. Rise again, from the main and flush away disdain.

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Life's a burden when you're the only one
Darkness sheaths you slowly; it's work done
The strong faith once kept turns canon
After a while you realize, you could've chosen.

^ Life's undefined when someone close takes a sad leave and you lament that why didn't God choose you. Everyone has to go, only to feel the white divine place. But they're still with you, watching you; from inside. Let your soul cry, don't remember the date of their fly, One day everyone's gonna die.

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Just an amalgam of innumerable feelings. I promise with the road I've been endowed with that No matter what happens, I'll go on painting it with the positive colours this world possesses. 

If I were..

If I were a Season, I'd cease the drastic change in me that destroys life. I'd release the barriers Autumn has and leave those shedding leaves; that sallow road for you to play upon. I'd shade that scorching sun to salubrious breeze which'll be your way, your ease. If I were a Season, I'd never show how difficult it is to be a change they hate.

If I were a Sailor, I'd try and fix my life's route to a single direction. I'd never intersect any other way for it brings destruction and I'd always be on the top of my ship, with my head held high and looking straight in the sun's eye. If I were a Sailor, I'd never let my life drown amidst this sea of commotion.

If I were a Poem, I'd never end with distress leaving my palpitated reader in tears. I'd always try to ignite a spark of fire and faith this planet lacks in. I'd ensconce myself in the conscience of my writer and always be with him. If I were a Poem, I'd promise to rhyme everytime he sees through me.

If I were an Artist, I'd promise to influence and edify the naive mind on which this world thrives. I'd  paint this world with my positive imagination which would contain only kaleidoscopic brightness. I'd make my brush, the change this world needs. If I were an Artist, I'd make my imagination pervasive and make this world dream with me.

If I were a Song, I'd fill his ears with rejoicing tunes. I'd make his day pure as a crystal and I'd carry him in my melody, just to make him feel happy. I'd promise to be his top choice of solace and joy which he ever looks for. If I were a Song, I'd bond deep in him so that I can carry him whenever there's a pause in his road.

If I were a Diary, I'd be with him and fill him throughout his road. I'd tell him stories; give him perennial happiness whenever he opens me. I'd be his best friend until he decides to rewrite me, with his refreshed pen and experience. If I were a Diary, I'd collect his thoughts, desires and passions straight from his heart.

If I were a Teacher, I'd be a catalyst to the young souls. I'd be their latent energy; their pointed power to be different and honest. I'd be an inspiration to everyone and never charge for my treasure. If I were a Teacher, I'd never try to be superior and would always be open for learning.

If I were Silence, I'd make noise whenever a pin be dropped. I'd promise to show myself the least for I'd know how my presence ensues despondence within. I'd thrive to make this torpid word a camaraderie and a loquacious place to live in. If I were Silence, I'd never ever be anyone's satisfaction.

If I were a Compilation, I'd fill myself with amnesty. I'd be the happy part in his life and I'd always kiss his thoughts with the illumination of reminiscence. I'd  make myself an ephemeral paradise for my bearer who'd come to me anytime his heart looks back. If I were a Compilation, I'd promise to give him strength to look forward and be what he is.

If I were a Relation, I'd fill myself with affirmative feelings, unbound trust and innumerable souls to complete me. I'd be present with faith in every heart and every mind with lot of corroboration and peace sailing with me. I'd promise the mighty that I'd never ever break. If I were a Relation, I'd change the meaning of 'impediment' with respect to me.

If I were Myself, I'd sit by your side and let you know what Life is all about. I'd make you understand what being alone is and lend awareness of the commotion in my soul which is slowly eating it's way in. I'd hold your hand and promise to be by your side till the mighty decides against me. If I were Myself, I'd try to be an honest creature with a pious soul and spread lighting just like the above crystal. There's no wish better than this when you only got a 100 years to live.

*Dedicated to the you. If I were You, I'd silently smile, subconsciously realize and share my feelings after reading this with my special ones.*